That is seriously the headline on a church flyer someone stuck to our door yesterday. I actually saw the guy walk up because my home office overlooks the front porch. So when this strange dude in a blue shirt came to the door I did what I always do: I hid under the desk and let Edgar bark him away.
The flyer is for the Gospel Light Baptist church. They claim I can get to heaven (from Mesa, AZ!) in three easy steps. Thank God because I won’t do anything if it isn’t easy. Oh shit, I just took the Lord’s name in vain. I’m a hopeless sinner.
Anyway, here’s all you have to do to go to heaven (besides live in Mesa, AZ):
- ADMIT THAT YOU ARE A SINNER. Fucking sweet, I already did that! (See final sentence of previous paragraph.)
- BELIEVE THAT JESUS CHRIST IS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR. It actually goes on to explain exactly what this means but it’s hard to understand because of the typos. Even a third grader could tell you that “shalt” and “believeth” aren’t real words.
- CALL TO GOD IN PRAYER AND ASK FOR FORGIVENESS. Okay, here goes: “Dear God, please forgive me for swearing too fucking much. Also, for liking girls in 'that way.' But it's your own damn fault because I was born like this."
Wow. I feel so much better. Heaven, here I come! I wonder what Heaven is like? I hope there’s a good bar. I bet St. Peter makes a mean Bloody Mary. I’ll bring a nail for the olives.
Jenny
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Gee, your response to religion is so hostile, you'd think you were raised in a cult where they spouted end- of- the- world propecies and stockpiled weapons and pressed crystals into your forehead and burnt your Beatles records to keep you from going to he'll or something.
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