Crap-tastic

So for the past week I’ve discovered that the lid of our guest bathroom toilet is squeaking. I notice this mostly in the middle of the night because the guest toilet is the closest toilet to my side of the bed—or at least the closest toilet that doesn’t require navigating around the dog bed (with dog in it) in the dark.

So you’re probably thinking, “Why does she need to lift the toilet seat to pee?” Listen up, I said LID not SEAT. I’m one of those people who must close the lid of the toilet when the toilet is not in use. It’s just more sanitary. Or at least it has the appearance of such.

Anyway, this afternoon I decide I’m going to fix that f-ing leaky toilet lid and I grab my can of WD-40. (It fixes everything, you know.) Feeling very proud of myself, I enthusiastically squirt the WD-40 onto the hinges and work the grease into the plastic pins that hold the entire contraption together. But to my great dismay this only makes the squeak louder. No, not just louder. Crazy loud. Like fingernails on a chalkboard combined with dental work from hell.

At this point I realize I’m in over my head so I consult the experts (Google). Apparently, WD-40 is the worst possible thing you can squirt onto plastic toilet seat hinges. A more appropriate plan of attack would have been to take the entire thing apart and lube it up with petroleum jelly. Great! I have experience here. Unfortunately, my toilet is of the unique variety (cheap as hell) that does not allow you to take it apart without breaking the shit out of it. So I tried slathering the lube on top of the WD-40 and guess what? It didn’t work. Big surprise.

Oh, did I mention the whole reason I really care this much about a squeaky toilet lid is because my Mother In Law arrives tomorrow for a six-month visit and this is her primary bathroom? Super duper awesome.

Well, new toilet seats run $20-50. So screw that. Instead, I just swapped the guest bath seat with the master bath seat (luckily they’re of the same shoddy quality) and Bernie and I have agreed to leave the lid up at all times. Unless we’re trying to scare off a burglar. Or it’s Halloween.